Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Fix You

"When you try your best but u don't succeed, when you get what you want, but not what you need, when you feel soo tired but u cant sleep, stuck in reverse." coldplay

"wired and im tired, think ill sleep in my clothes on the floor.."JM

I have a confession.

I've been defeated; Im sad.

Such a small sentence/statement but this past month its been my core. I just can not snap out of it. Its so out of character for me..if u know me, im always smiling, laughing, bubbly..you name it..not lately. This is alot harder for me to admit then i let on. I dont like anyone knowing im sad or hurting at risk of sounding weak or dramatic...but here i am. SOS

I feel like i keep giving and giving and get nothing back. Whether it be work, my friendships, or relationships with opp. sex...well im worn out and ive reached my breaking point. It takes a while to reach, and in fact, i can only recall a few times where i have reached this point.

But the saddest thing of all, is the realization that its my fault. I got into a great conversation with an employee of mine about men and women and heartbreak and blah blah, and in the midst of my man bashing, he pointed out that men do these things because WE ALLOW THEM TO. Well, ill go ahead and just speak for myself..lol. I allow them to. If i tell you a story...u promise not to judge me?....

out on a limb..

*I was seeing this guy for a year...started off very casual, but grew into more. It wasn't until the very end that i really started letting my guard down..mistake. One night i came over to grab a few of my things i left over there and needed for work, and his ex gf, flown in from a different country (out of his pocket, mind u) was there. So, how did he handle it? He didnt let me in, didnt explain anything, and actually never even told me who it was until I CALLED HIM 3 weeks later. 3 WEEKS, no call. no text. nothing. Understandable from a fling. NOT from someone ive let into my life and brought around to all my friends for a YEAR. Why i texted after those 3 weeks i dont know..maybe it was the extra glass of wine i decided to have..but i wish i wouldnt have. That night we talked for a few hrs, catching up and briefly talking about the incident..not much tho..hes not much for emotions, which i think is something i really liked about him..go figure. I wondered how it would be after we talked, and if it would go back to normal..or if i could even look at him thru the same eyes..i really couldnt, but he did nothing to help me either. The one effort he did make was plan a day together on my day off, he bailed. I ditched a date with myself for him, even bigger mistake.*

Moral of the story? I let someone treat me like that and Im so mad at myself for it! I expect it from him, them, and whoever else im going to meet, but not from me. I refuse to be treated like that from anyone ever again. I see my friends/roomates/co-workers in the same situations, where they are not being treated like they deserve to be. We dont let our girlfriends treat us like that do we? i know I dont... and lucky for me i have girlfriends that wouldnt dream of being so rude, so why do we let men get away with it? I dont think i can handle seeing another one of my friends go out of their way for a guy that wouldnt do the same for them..me included. I might just snap.

well, now that i feel totally naked in a room full of strangers...i will stop writing and go put on a robe..disguised as a smile.









1 comment:

  1. i wish i could just fix everything for you. sometimes i feel like we had all these hopes and dreams about what we thought adulthood was gonna be like - and one by one, they've all been crushed. i don't think it's a bad thing to be sad sometimes; or to want to be alone for that matter. i just think we need to really consider some of the things you said up there: don't give anything up for someone who wouldn't give anything up for you. don't cry over someone who would never cry over you.

    love you mcdeedles and we're in the together - even when we're sad, anti-social crazies.

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