Now for the real RLS....My insides.
I heard this quote on a preview for a movie.."I dont know if i have what it takes for everyones regular plan" My Fear. Im bored. I feel i can predict the rest of my life..in a nut shell, not all the little details of course, and it freaks me out. I got the promotion ive been working my ass off for, and now what? Work ten hour days, crunching numbers all day everday to hit the goals for the month and get that bonus at the end of the month..with a satisfaction i can only enjoy until the first of the month when it starts all over again meeting quota. My months are going by so fast and its freaking me out. They are divided into this: beginning of the month, lots of paper work, orders for the spa, reviews, goals. Then the beginning of the month quickly turns into mid month, where i can gage how well my spa is doing in sales and how likely it is that im going to bonus at the end of the month. Then theres the dreaded end of the month. 13-14 hour days. everyday. Until midnight on the 30th or 31st. By this time I know exactly what I need to bring in everyday to hit my goals.Last week at the end of the month i worked 64 hours in 5 days. Some months its easier than others, depending on the goals for the month (which always have to be 110% of the sales last year). Can you see how its just a cycle?
Yesterday I freaked myself out because im trying to plan trips that ive worked so hard to afford and I cant. Theres no opportune time in my job to miss because that means i may not bonus that month, and its not just the money, if i dont bonus people higher than me dont bonus and yada yada. For an extreme ppl pleaser as my self..its a nightmare.
Solution:
I want to pack up and move. Not to a different city..to a different country. I dont want a white husband (sorry mom and dad) or even a husband at all! I dont want kids, I dont want a white picket fence, I dont want a job that i work to live for. I want a hobby. I know myself, if im not happy ill go to EXTREME (scorpio) measures to get there
Im reading this book right now called "blue bird; women and the new psychology of happiness" i got it at a garage sale for a buck! It spoke to my soul. It basically says that women in todays society are made to feel bad if they dont want a family or a husband or whatever it is "good women should do" They are selfish. So these guilt ridden women go grab hemselves a husband, if they are lucky they will be faithful, and pop out a kid or 2. and these women are still unhappy. The busy work they have to do to take care of their family keep them occupied, but when its quiet and just themselves they realize they are not happy. So whats the difference? You are not going to get the best of someone if they are doing something they really dont want to be doing.
I think its perfectly ok to be selfish sometimes. Do what you need to do to be TRULY happy. Then, you will be able to give the best of yourself to others around you...whether it be one special person, or many.
Selfishly yours,
Tiffany
