How I long to hate.....

Let me explain...

I've been contemplating this theory for a while...just havn't had the time or emotional availabilty to write it down. So hear me out...I think..

that in order to hate someone, you once have to had loved them.

I can recall one person with many situations that brought out such emotion in me that made me feel the rage of hate. One the same degree, this person was the only one thus far, to bring out the scariest emotion that I have ever dealt with; l.o.v.e. I think it goes without saying that these two words and emotions go hand in hand.

"wired, and im tired, think ill sleep in my clothes on the floor."-JM

All i really feel like saying out loud is that I miss being able to hate and i miss someone hating me. Crazy? Alot of these ppl i have been meeting could care less if Im mad at them, if they hurt my feelings, or if i don't call them for a week or so. at risk of sounding vulnerable,(ill deny later) There's probably 4 other "Tiffany's" in their life. Why am I having trouble being set apart? And if I am set apart, why isn't it enough? In all fairness though, I would be lying if i said i didn't do the same thing. Maybe its a defense mechanism.

I have also become really good at not hating, not caring, and not letting anyone stir any emotion in me; Good or bad. But as for now, all i can do is continue writing hate letters for no one ;)

[[Tiffany, Meet Tiffany]]

I've been thinking...

Which i hate btw..i've noticed..as well as all the roomates i have ever had in my life, that i hate quiet. I need music or tv to fall asleep to, because id rather fall asleep to the thoughts of problems in someone else's life...like maybe Rosanne..(guilty pleasure) rather than my own. Probably not enough of a wierd problem to really worry about, but still there, looming. I shall keep an eye out on it.

N E WAYS..

Its wierd to me that Tiffany from a year ago..is TOTALY different than Tiffany today. Its like i could have an outta body experience with it. Well call the earlier tiffany "Bridgett" and the later tiffany shall remain as Tiffany..you follow? lol

All about Bridgett- perfect(or tried) slightly judgemental. people pleaser...small minded. But she had no idea.

Tiffany on the other hand- well, for fear of reading eyes..lets just say shes not any of those things that embody Bridgett.

Now i cant decide who makes me more happy.. Right now i appreciate the fact that i know a lot of different kinds of people and situations and love everyone for it. Ive learned so much from Chicago and the freaks in it (whom i happen to admire) but have i lost bridgett? and if i have..is that ok?

Unfortunately for me, im an extreme person. (Scorpio) I cant be a perfect hybrid of Tiff and Bridgett.. moral or rebelious..i choose one or the other because even keel makes me feel inadequate.

I appreciate Tiffanys zest for life, love for ALL ppl no matter what, and willingness to try anything and accept EVERYONE.

I miss Bridgetts innocence, her faith in the male species and her endless supply of confidence to stand up for what she believes in.

In college i didn't do nearly any of the things i wanted to do, things that come naturally to me..why? i wanted to please my friends, God, and bridgett.

Today, all i want to do is try things, experience life, and not think twice about guilt and consequences (had enough of that via college) am i valid in that? or acting like a crazy teen?

Today, i do what makes me happy, for the most part, and SOMETIMES feel guilty about it. Problem or rightfully so? I'll deal later