Cliff Notes

"I want you., until you want me, of course. Then I just can't have that...or you for that matter. Why? Simple. Because you wanted me, and all i want is to be wanted. Nothing more."

-Tiffany Bridgett

*Ill spare you the long post. Take from this what you will.*

Restless Leg Syndrome

Probably the most annoying medical condition out there. Both my mom and I suffer from this. It feels like ants are crawling inside your skin and the only way to make them stop is to move your legs..or atleast thats what you think. Never works. I always have to get up and walk around the apartment doing lunges.

Now for the real RLS....My insides.

I heard this quote on a preview for a movie.."I dont know if i have what it takes for everyones regular plan" My Fear. Im bored. I feel i can predict the rest of my life..in a nut shell, not all the little details of course, and it freaks me out. I got the promotion ive been working my ass off for, and now what? Work ten hour days, crunching numbers all day everday to hit the goals for the month and get that bonus at the end of the month..with a satisfaction i can only enjoy until the first of the month when it starts all over again meeting quota. My months are going by so fast and its freaking me out. They are divided into this: beginning of the month, lots of paper work, orders for the spa, reviews, goals. Then the beginning of the month quickly turns into mid month, where i can gage how well my spa is doing in sales and how likely it is that im going to bonus at the end of the month. Then theres the dreaded end of the month. 13-14 hour days. everyday. Until midnight on the 30th or 31st. By this time I know exactly what I need to bring in everyday to hit my goals.Last week at the end of the month i worked 64 hours in 5 days. Some months its easier than others, depending on the goals for the month (which always have to be 110% of the sales last year). Can you see how its just a cycle?

Yesterday I freaked myself out because im trying to plan trips that ive worked so hard to afford and I cant. Theres no opportune time in my job to miss because that means i may not bonus that month, and its not just the money, if i dont bonus people higher than me dont bonus and yada yada. For an extreme ppl pleaser as my self..its a nightmare.

Solution:

I want to pack up and move. Not to a different city..to a different country. I dont want a white husband (sorry mom and dad) or even a husband at all! I dont want kids, I dont want a white picket fence, I dont want a job that i work to live for. I want a hobby. I know myself, if im not happy ill go to EXTREME (scorpio) measures to get there

Im reading this book right now called "blue bird; women and the new psychology of happiness" i got it at a garage sale for a buck! It spoke to my soul. It basically says that women in todays society are made to feel bad if they dont want a family or a husband or whatever it is "good women should do" They are selfish. So these guilt ridden women go grab hemselves a husband, if they are lucky they will be faithful, and pop out a kid or 2. and these women are still unhappy. The busy work they have to do to take care of their family keep them occupied, but when its quiet and just themselves they realize they are not happy. So whats the difference? You are not going to get the best of someone if they are doing something they really dont want to be doing.

I think its perfectly ok to be selfish sometimes. Do what you need to do to be TRULY happy. Then, you will be able to give the best of yourself to others around you...whether it be one special person, or many.

Selfishly yours,

Tiffany

Fix You

"When you try your best but u don't succeed, when you get what you want, but not what you need, when you feel soo tired but u cant sleep, stuck in reverse." coldplay

"wired and im tired, think ill sleep in my clothes on the floor.."JM

I have a confession.

I've been defeated; Im sad.

Such a small sentence/statement but this past month its been my core. I just can not snap out of it. Its so out of character for me..if u know me, im always smiling, laughing, bubbly..you name it..not lately. This is alot harder for me to admit then i let on. I dont like anyone knowing im sad or hurting at risk of sounding weak or dramatic...but here i am. SOS

I feel like i keep giving and giving and get nothing back. Whether it be work, my friendships, or relationships with opp. sex...well im worn out and ive reached my breaking point. It takes a while to reach, and in fact, i can only recall a few times where i have reached this point.

But the saddest thing of all, is the realization that its my fault. I got into a great conversation with an employee of mine about men and women and heartbreak and blah blah, and in the midst of my man bashing, he pointed out that men do these things because WE ALLOW THEM TO. Well, ill go ahead and just speak for myself..lol. I allow them to. If i tell you a story...u promise not to judge me?....

out on a limb..

*I was seeing this guy for a year...started off very casual, but grew into more. It wasn't until the very end that i really started letting my guard down..mistake. One night i came over to grab a few of my things i left over there and needed for work, and his ex gf, flown in from a different country (out of his pocket, mind u) was there. So, how did he handle it? He didnt let me in, didnt explain anything, and actually never even told me who it was until I CALLED HIM 3 weeks later. 3 WEEKS, no call. no text. nothing. Understandable from a fling. NOT from someone ive let into my life and brought around to all my friends for a YEAR. Why i texted after those 3 weeks i dont know..maybe it was the extra glass of wine i decided to have..but i wish i wouldnt have. That night we talked for a few hrs, catching up and briefly talking about the incident..not much tho..hes not much for emotions, which i think is something i really liked about him..go figure. I wondered how it would be after we talked, and if it would go back to normal..or if i could even look at him thru the same eyes..i really couldnt, but he did nothing to help me either. The one effort he did make was plan a day together on my day off, he bailed. I ditched a date with myself for him, even bigger mistake.*

Moral of the story? I let someone treat me like that and Im so mad at myself for it! I expect it from him, them, and whoever else im going to meet, but not from me. I refuse to be treated like that from anyone ever again. I see my friends/roomates/co-workers in the same situations, where they are not being treated like they deserve to be. We dont let our girlfriends treat us like that do we? i know I dont... and lucky for me i have girlfriends that wouldnt dream of being so rude, so why do we let men get away with it? I dont think i can handle seeing another one of my friends go out of their way for a guy that wouldnt do the same for them..me included. I might just snap.

well, now that i feel totally naked in a room full of strangers...i will stop writing and go put on a robe..disguised as a smile.

Hodge Podge

We'll call this the blog buffet...

I have alot on my mind, yet nothing all at the same time, it happens all the time, i hate it. Try to keep up..;)

Ive been running alot. Its so addicting...well, the feeling anyways, and while i run i think alot. I get alot out and i just leave it there, on the rolling belt of the treadmill. I imagine my thoughts spilling out of my head, the belt absorbing them, and feeding them into the machine. My fav. part is that it doesn't talk back.

So heres a thought:

My roomates have brought to my attention, that I have been wanting to be alone lately alot more than usual. Dont be frightened, its just a phase i think..and this is what i have come up with on why I am loving this whole doing things alone... When i do things alone, I get to do WHATEVER i want, however I want to do it. This is foreign to me because unfortunetly, i was born with this disease called E.P.P...extreme people pleaser. So 98% of the time, since as far back as i can remember, i compromise the things i have been looking forward to doing because usually they are not the same things the company i am with wants to do. I feel better knowing the person I am with is happy rather than myself because for the most part, (with the exception of men;))
i am easy to please.
I like getting to know myself on these "dates" i go on. I like when i say something outloud about myself and i know its true because I realized it. I like figuring out what makes me really happy, angry, and sad, I guess i missed the self discovery boat when everyone else was hopping on. I sound like a pre teen, but for some reason in high school and college i didnt really want to get to know myself..i thought the ideas, likes, and dis-likes of the people i surrounded myself with were what mine were suppose to be so i didnt take the time to really explore myself, I think in the back of my mind i knew my thoughts and desires were different, a little more liberal and perhaps a little more on the wild side, and frankly i didnt feel like not fitting in.

Tiffany, meet Tiffany.

So, after i thought of WHO i wanted to do all these things with...i made a list of all the things i want to do in the summer.
1-ferris wheel at navy pier...with a book and an i-pod. eh, maybe skip the book
2-i want to go to the storm exhibit at the museum of science and industry!
3-i want to get a bottle of red wine, and go to a movie in the park. Just me, a banket, and a wine bottle. No glass, no need.
4-i want to take a hott yoga class.
5-I want to have an ice cold beer in the middle of summer while sitting outside on a patio at a restaraunt and people watch
6- I want to go to a reggae bar and dance all by myself.

"i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-a-n-t, do u know what that means?"

*Sometimes I have panic attacks because of all the things and people i think im missing out on*

Which leads me to my next thought..

I really am more independant that i ever realized i was. Shouldnt i want to do my list of things with that special someone? I have written before that I am very old fashioned when it comes to dating, but theres one area that I am not..i will make my own money and support myself. I have no desire for a man to support me financially. Im a smart, driven, hard-working women..and it will pay off. Ill buy my own things, thanks. I am alot more like the character Samantha on sex and the city than i want to admit...It scares me to say..but i think i might be happier alone. A husband DOES not appeal to me. A boyfriend doesnt even sound good right now...i sound like a man-hater..but i admit..i kinda am (with good reason)....but i am done making excuses for men in my life. I am too quick to give them the benefit of the doubt, and to cater to their douchyness.? is that a word? If it doesnt fit and enhance my life, then theres just no room.

Im going to keep walking in my same direction because it makes me happy, and if i can look and see someone walking next to me in the corner of my eye, in the same direction then we can walk together. If not..then the cheese stands alone.... and im perfectly ok with that :) in fact,right now i prefer it.

Dude acts like a lady

My how the tables have turned...

My last post..(which i need to be more consistent about..for my 3.5 followers out there ;)) talked about how im tired of being a girl and waiting by my phone yada yada..well i gave men way too much credit! U boys are nothing but women at heart!

Case and point number 1

One of my guy friends from school whom i do have a history with decides to come up and visit me at work, how sweet. Well as we leave and decide where we are going to go to get a drink..he tells me that hes engaged..and EVEN more of a blow he askes me to be in his wedding..I mean understand that i have NO feelings for him n e more..but still. Hurt a bit. Well needless to say it went on all night, he gave me this detailed story about how he proposed and how happy and in love he is..Now me, im doing my best to play it TOTALY cool but all i want to do is call my roomates and cry..lol mainly suzanne ;) but i play it too cool and tell him how happy I am for him and it seems that it doesnt affect me at all... (trying to play "boy" mode, told ya i was good ;)) well this made him upset and it came out that he wanted to see how i reacted to see if i had feelings for him....

UM..excuse me? IF u want to know if i have feelings for u....ASK!

if i were a boy.....

Case and point 2

Another thing i Realized is that to some guys..I AM THE GUY. Im the one that doesnt answer their texts, or waits hours or days. Frankly because I dont really care and im not that into you. With me, im just too nice to say hey, u bore me. Bye. And when a guy does that to me..its a nice taste of kharma. I always want what i cant have.

and finally, case and point number 3
This one takes a little bit of a turn in another direction....

So ive recently started dating again..i took a break for a BOY i thought had some soul..maybe he does..but just not ready to sing yet..ANYWAYS

Dates have been good...blah blah no one i cant stop thinking about before i go to bed..but these men...have the BALLS..to ask ME..when im going to TAKE THEM OUT...

gimmie a freakin break. Do you chicago men drink some nasty water that makes u say/do/all the same stupid things? SWITCH TO KOOL-AID. ugh

Dont take me wrong, im not someone that is looking for someone to buy me MY things..i want/have my own money and i want it that way..im very independant...but on the same page im old fashioned. Has chivalry died? R.I.P And call me prude, but my first date with u IS not going to be at ur damn apartment. I may be naive, but i have learned a lil bit from my chicago dating life.

Anyways, to wrap this all up, the way I see it, women are just men with perfume on and men are women in baggy clothes. We are all clueless. (whatever edition ;)

p.s. ice hill me sue.

Time for a sex change...

scare ya?

Time for a MENTAL sex change, i've decided.

Im totally fed up with being a chick mentally. Everything else about the whole deal i'll take, wearing heels, nylons, doing my hair and make up...LOVE IT, infact i look forward to getting ready everyday. cocky? no just girly. and i am the definition of the word.

but somethings gatta give. im SOO OVER talking about men..excuse me BOYS, and letting them affect how i feel. I WANT control of my emotions. Noone else. and no offense to my sistas, but come on, lets talk about something else! Do you think these pricks sit around and talk about what we said and did that was cute? NO. The fact is, most of the time its outta sight outta mind, and we know this which is why when we go one day without talking to these boys, we panic because we know we are thinkin about them, but they are not thinkin about us, so we have to remind them "hey, im here." Well forget that. You forget about me? Then you STOOPID boy and i dont have time or room in my life for someone like u. "ON TO THE NEXT ONE, on on to the next one"

The movie 'hes just not that into you' was kinda painful to watch for my gals and i because it was like a magnified version of how girls really act. I mean it was a little more extreme but they had to get their point across. Girls really do wait by their phone for that person or persons to call or magically appear at a bar or function the other person just happens to be at.. its sickening, and thus the reason for my new mindset. IMA BE A DUDE.

-Go head and call me boys, i may answer, if i feel like it

-Sure we can make plans, but if something better comes along, ill make sure i tell you "girls night, sorry"

-text me, ill respond in a few hours, if at all.

-dont expect to be my only Dip, and i wont lead you to believe u are.

-if we get into a spat, we wont work it out, ill ignore your texts and calls because i wont feel like dealing with it, or just dont care enough

....................

the list could go on and on but ill leave it at that :) And i know.."not all men are like that" but i havnt met them, so until i do, my opinion and my theory stands.

How hard could this be? I can work on my bod and make it how i want, I could dye my hair to look how i want, so why cant i change my natural way of thinking and responding? Exactly. I CAN AND I WILL. Sure i cry in ice age, and the biggest loser, but when it comes to dudes, starting now; emotionless.

"Im only ganna break break ya break break your heart" Thanks luda, good idea

Ill keep u posted on my findings..and i think this is going to be fun and easy. I may never go back ;)

Unwelcomed Epiphany

Go Figure.

Everyone else in this world is waiting on their epiphany and i dont want any! But low and behold they come. Just relaxing, listening to music and trying to drowned out the thoughts in my head.

All day ive had this wierd eerie feeling. It may have been from weekend events...but i just feel fake. which is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. I am a FIRM believer in OWNING who you are and what you do..no matter what it is, or what it makes you.

Any way..my epiphany is..im the other girl. always

The sad thing is..ive known it..i just opted to play it cool and not care..because " i dont want anything serious anyway right now, and this is fun" that was my pep talk

But this damn revalation wont stop haunting me. And i cant help but be discusted in myself noticing how i want it to go away so i can go on doin what i do. At work, the gals will tell stories of things their signif others do for them and im floored and saddened that little things that men SHOULD do for people they care about...really throw me for a loop and i think to myself...guys dont really do that..those guys must be tools...haha but really..im the one with the tools.

* Im the most girly girl youll ever meet, yet i manage to have a freakin BOB VILA COLLECTION OF POWER TOOLS. *

Some one smack some sense and self confidence in me WOULD YA.! I never thought i would miss the infamous..."Tiffany Bridgett!!!!! scolding tone my mom use to scream at me from the bottom of the stairs when i mouthed off.

so...

TIFFANY BRIDGETT!

:)

Re-live-Jun confessions

I cant help but notice the amount of religion talks ive gotten into lately. If you know me at all, you would know i dont really like to bring up what i believe..not that Im ashamed or anything..but my tactic is more build a relationship with someone, earn their respect then, at the right time, IF IT COMES introduce them to my view on God...if, of course..they want it

To be honest tho..

Sometimes IM not even sure what my view is. I mean the fundementals have not changed...dont be alarmed. But i have met too many people, experiened too many things after college to keep my view on God as this being who says DONT do that, DO lots of this, and IF you do that, your life is ruined.

All i can say is God is love. God is friends that you have had since 4th grade that NO MATTER WHAT have your back. God is the person in the drive thru that pays for the person behind them and drives away with no recognition. God is loving someone, even ADMIRING someone that lives in a way that goes against what most christians or catholics say is right. God, to me, is is liking someone that is open about their flaws, who is IMPERFECT and proud of it. God is when you cry over the scene you saw on the news that has no importance to your own life. God is your neighbor that brings you dinner all the time when he can barley provide for his own family. God is spending money on Dog food and lil dog sweaters when you cant even buy groceries for yourself...

To me, God is found in my imperfections and thats where we are most loved at.

To you:

sometimes i just want to scream, you are no better than i because you sustain from things your mother told you not to do when u were 16. Its ok to live, to fail, to make mistakes, to hit rock botttom. Infact, thats when I felt most loved and most myself. Meet people. explore their views. Be open to improve yours. Not all people are heathens. Love them.

To you:

believe what you want. i love that you do. if everyone believed the same thing...ick i cant even imagine. makes me feel suffocated. I like listening to your views and like that you ask me about mine. I wont judge u and thanks for not judging me.

To YOU:

I'm still here. Let me introduce myself.....

dear 2010...

Dear 2010,

How you feeling? Filling the footsteps of the prior year... Ppl asking you, PLEADING with you to either outdo 2009, or FAR surpass it. I wont ask either. Instead, im going to let you do your thing. Each year has brought its own flair, its array of ppl, different hair styles, blah blah. Some have been AMAZING experiences...some i could live without...either way..i decide to trust you. Whatever you got, bring it.

Now, I think it would be best if we worked together. Will you slap me in the ass...(much less abrasive than the face) if i start acting out of character..or if i give ppl the benefit of the doubt to quickly and easily. Will you make me laugh on friday nights when im home alone watching free movies on demand? Will you remind me when im not being the best friend that I can be, like maybe a little post it note on the mirror or something.. And for you...i wont complain whatever you want to throw at me..ill go with it..and ill be positive and smiley :) Promise.

FIRST problem of YOUR term... i miss someone really bad, and i dont know who it is...

and GO!

Anyways friend, all i ask, is that you carry over the great things, people, memories and experienes of 2009, without loosing what you are going to bring to the table...and be good to me. Promise?

AND BREAK!