Hodge Podge

We'll call this the blog buffet...

I have alot on my mind, yet nothing all at the same time, it happens all the time, i hate it. Try to keep up..;)

Ive been running alot. Its so addicting...well, the feeling anyways, and while i run i think alot. I get alot out and i just leave it there, on the rolling belt of the treadmill. I imagine my thoughts spilling out of my head, the belt absorbing them, and feeding them into the machine. My fav. part is that it doesn't talk back.

So heres a thought:

My roomates have brought to my attention, that I have been wanting to be alone lately alot more than usual. Dont be frightened, its just a phase i think..and this is what i have come up with on why I am loving this whole doing things alone... When i do things alone, I get to do WHATEVER i want, however I want to do it. This is foreign to me because unfortunetly, i was born with this disease called E.P.P...extreme people pleaser. So 98% of the time, since as far back as i can remember, i compromise the things i have been looking forward to doing because usually they are not the same things the company i am with wants to do. I feel better knowing the person I am with is happy rather than myself because for the most part, (with the exception of men;))
i am easy to please.
I like getting to know myself on these "dates" i go on. I like when i say something outloud about myself and i know its true because I realized it. I like figuring out what makes me really happy, angry, and sad, I guess i missed the self discovery boat when everyone else was hopping on. I sound like a pre teen, but for some reason in high school and college i didnt really want to get to know myself..i thought the ideas, likes, and dis-likes of the people i surrounded myself with were what mine were suppose to be so i didnt take the time to really explore myself, I think in the back of my mind i knew my thoughts and desires were different, a little more liberal and perhaps a little more on the wild side, and frankly i didnt feel like not fitting in.

Tiffany, meet Tiffany.

So, after i thought of WHO i wanted to do all these things with...i made a list of all the things i want to do in the summer.
1-ferris wheel at navy pier...with a book and an i-pod. eh, maybe skip the book
2-i want to go to the storm exhibit at the museum of science and industry!
3-i want to get a bottle of red wine, and go to a movie in the park. Just me, a banket, and a wine bottle. No glass, no need.
4-i want to take a hott yoga class.
5-I want to have an ice cold beer in the middle of summer while sitting outside on a patio at a restaraunt and people watch
6- I want to go to a reggae bar and dance all by myself.

"i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-a-n-t, do u know what that means?"

*Sometimes I have panic attacks because of all the things and people i think im missing out on*

Which leads me to my next thought..

I really am more independant that i ever realized i was. Shouldnt i want to do my list of things with that special someone? I have written before that I am very old fashioned when it comes to dating, but theres one area that I am not..i will make my own money and support myself. I have no desire for a man to support me financially. Im a smart, driven, hard-working women..and it will pay off. Ill buy my own things, thanks. I am alot more like the character Samantha on sex and the city than i want to admit...It scares me to say..but i think i might be happier alone. A husband DOES not appeal to me. A boyfriend doesnt even sound good right now...i sound like a man-hater..but i admit..i kinda am (with good reason)....but i am done making excuses for men in my life. I am too quick to give them the benefit of the doubt, and to cater to their douchyness.? is that a word? If it doesnt fit and enhance my life, then theres just no room.

Im going to keep walking in my same direction because it makes me happy, and if i can look and see someone walking next to me in the corner of my eye, in the same direction then we can walk together. If not..then the cheese stands alone.... and im perfectly ok with that :) in fact,right now i prefer it.