Fix You

"When you try your best but u don't succeed, when you get what you want, but not what you need, when you feel soo tired but u cant sleep, stuck in reverse." coldplay

"wired and im tired, think ill sleep in my clothes on the floor.."JM

I have a confession.

I've been defeated; Im sad.

Such a small sentence/statement but this past month its been my core. I just can not snap out of it. Its so out of character for me..if u know me, im always smiling, laughing, bubbly..you name it..not lately. This is alot harder for me to admit then i let on. I dont like anyone knowing im sad or hurting at risk of sounding weak or dramatic...but here i am. SOS

I feel like i keep giving and giving and get nothing back. Whether it be work, my friendships, or relationships with opp. sex...well im worn out and ive reached my breaking point. It takes a while to reach, and in fact, i can only recall a few times where i have reached this point.

But the saddest thing of all, is the realization that its my fault. I got into a great conversation with an employee of mine about men and women and heartbreak and blah blah, and in the midst of my man bashing, he pointed out that men do these things because WE ALLOW THEM TO. Well, ill go ahead and just speak for myself..lol. I allow them to. If i tell you a story...u promise not to judge me?....

out on a limb..

*I was seeing this guy for a year...started off very casual, but grew into more. It wasn't until the very end that i really started letting my guard down..mistake. One night i came over to grab a few of my things i left over there and needed for work, and his ex gf, flown in from a different country (out of his pocket, mind u) was there. So, how did he handle it? He didnt let me in, didnt explain anything, and actually never even told me who it was until I CALLED HIM 3 weeks later. 3 WEEKS, no call. no text. nothing. Understandable from a fling. NOT from someone ive let into my life and brought around to all my friends for a YEAR. Why i texted after those 3 weeks i dont know..maybe it was the extra glass of wine i decided to have..but i wish i wouldnt have. That night we talked for a few hrs, catching up and briefly talking about the incident..not much tho..hes not much for emotions, which i think is something i really liked about him..go figure. I wondered how it would be after we talked, and if it would go back to normal..or if i could even look at him thru the same eyes..i really couldnt, but he did nothing to help me either. The one effort he did make was plan a day together on my day off, he bailed. I ditched a date with myself for him, even bigger mistake.*

Moral of the story? I let someone treat me like that and Im so mad at myself for it! I expect it from him, them, and whoever else im going to meet, but not from me. I refuse to be treated like that from anyone ever again. I see my friends/roomates/co-workers in the same situations, where they are not being treated like they deserve to be. We dont let our girlfriends treat us like that do we? i know I dont... and lucky for me i have girlfriends that wouldnt dream of being so rude, so why do we let men get away with it? I dont think i can handle seeing another one of my friends go out of their way for a guy that wouldnt do the same for them..me included. I might just snap.

well, now that i feel totally naked in a room full of strangers...i will stop writing and go put on a robe..disguised as a smile.

Hodge Podge

We'll call this the blog buffet...

I have alot on my mind, yet nothing all at the same time, it happens all the time, i hate it. Try to keep up..;)

Ive been running alot. Its so addicting...well, the feeling anyways, and while i run i think alot. I get alot out and i just leave it there, on the rolling belt of the treadmill. I imagine my thoughts spilling out of my head, the belt absorbing them, and feeding them into the machine. My fav. part is that it doesn't talk back.

So heres a thought:

My roomates have brought to my attention, that I have been wanting to be alone lately alot more than usual. Dont be frightened, its just a phase i think..and this is what i have come up with on why I am loving this whole doing things alone... When i do things alone, I get to do WHATEVER i want, however I want to do it. This is foreign to me because unfortunetly, i was born with this disease called E.P.P...extreme people pleaser. So 98% of the time, since as far back as i can remember, i compromise the things i have been looking forward to doing because usually they are not the same things the company i am with wants to do. I feel better knowing the person I am with is happy rather than myself because for the most part, (with the exception of men;))
i am easy to please.
I like getting to know myself on these "dates" i go on. I like when i say something outloud about myself and i know its true because I realized it. I like figuring out what makes me really happy, angry, and sad, I guess i missed the self discovery boat when everyone else was hopping on. I sound like a pre teen, but for some reason in high school and college i didnt really want to get to know myself..i thought the ideas, likes, and dis-likes of the people i surrounded myself with were what mine were suppose to be so i didnt take the time to really explore myself, I think in the back of my mind i knew my thoughts and desires were different, a little more liberal and perhaps a little more on the wild side, and frankly i didnt feel like not fitting in.

Tiffany, meet Tiffany.

So, after i thought of WHO i wanted to do all these things with...i made a list of all the things i want to do in the summer.
1-ferris wheel at navy pier...with a book and an i-pod. eh, maybe skip the book
2-i want to go to the storm exhibit at the museum of science and industry!
3-i want to get a bottle of red wine, and go to a movie in the park. Just me, a banket, and a wine bottle. No glass, no need.
4-i want to take a hott yoga class.
5-I want to have an ice cold beer in the middle of summer while sitting outside on a patio at a restaraunt and people watch
6- I want to go to a reggae bar and dance all by myself.

"i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-a-n-t, do u know what that means?"

*Sometimes I have panic attacks because of all the things and people i think im missing out on*

Which leads me to my next thought..

I really am more independant that i ever realized i was. Shouldnt i want to do my list of things with that special someone? I have written before that I am very old fashioned when it comes to dating, but theres one area that I am not..i will make my own money and support myself. I have no desire for a man to support me financially. Im a smart, driven, hard-working women..and it will pay off. Ill buy my own things, thanks. I am alot more like the character Samantha on sex and the city than i want to admit...It scares me to say..but i think i might be happier alone. A husband DOES not appeal to me. A boyfriend doesnt even sound good right now...i sound like a man-hater..but i admit..i kinda am (with good reason)....but i am done making excuses for men in my life. I am too quick to give them the benefit of the doubt, and to cater to their douchyness.? is that a word? If it doesnt fit and enhance my life, then theres just no room.

Im going to keep walking in my same direction because it makes me happy, and if i can look and see someone walking next to me in the corner of my eye, in the same direction then we can walk together. If not..then the cheese stands alone.... and im perfectly ok with that :) in fact,right now i prefer it.

Dude acts like a lady

My how the tables have turned...

My last post..(which i need to be more consistent about..for my 3.5 followers out there ;)) talked about how im tired of being a girl and waiting by my phone yada yada..well i gave men way too much credit! U boys are nothing but women at heart!

Case and point number 1

One of my guy friends from school whom i do have a history with decides to come up and visit me at work, how sweet. Well as we leave and decide where we are going to go to get a drink..he tells me that hes engaged..and EVEN more of a blow he askes me to be in his wedding..I mean understand that i have NO feelings for him n e more..but still. Hurt a bit. Well needless to say it went on all night, he gave me this detailed story about how he proposed and how happy and in love he is..Now me, im doing my best to play it TOTALY cool but all i want to do is call my roomates and cry..lol mainly suzanne ;) but i play it too cool and tell him how happy I am for him and it seems that it doesnt affect me at all... (trying to play "boy" mode, told ya i was good ;)) well this made him upset and it came out that he wanted to see how i reacted to see if i had feelings for him....

UM..excuse me? IF u want to know if i have feelings for u....ASK!

if i were a boy.....

Case and point 2

Another thing i Realized is that to some guys..I AM THE GUY. Im the one that doesnt answer their texts, or waits hours or days. Frankly because I dont really care and im not that into you. With me, im just too nice to say hey, u bore me. Bye. And when a guy does that to me..its a nice taste of kharma. I always want what i cant have.

and finally, case and point number 3
This one takes a little bit of a turn in another direction....

So ive recently started dating again..i took a break for a BOY i thought had some soul..maybe he does..but just not ready to sing yet..ANYWAYS

Dates have been good...blah blah no one i cant stop thinking about before i go to bed..but these men...have the BALLS..to ask ME..when im going to TAKE THEM OUT...

gimmie a freakin break. Do you chicago men drink some nasty water that makes u say/do/all the same stupid things? SWITCH TO KOOL-AID. ugh

Dont take me wrong, im not someone that is looking for someone to buy me MY things..i want/have my own money and i want it that way..im very independant...but on the same page im old fashioned. Has chivalry died? R.I.P And call me prude, but my first date with u IS not going to be at ur damn apartment. I may be naive, but i have learned a lil bit from my chicago dating life.

Anyways, to wrap this all up, the way I see it, women are just men with perfume on and men are women in baggy clothes. We are all clueless. (whatever edition ;)

p.s. ice hill me sue.