Unwelcomed Epiphany

Go Figure.

Everyone else in this world is waiting on their epiphany and i dont want any! But low and behold they come. Just relaxing, listening to music and trying to drowned out the thoughts in my head.

All day ive had this wierd eerie feeling. It may have been from weekend events...but i just feel fake. which is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. I am a FIRM believer in OWNING who you are and what you do..no matter what it is, or what it makes you.

Any way..my epiphany is..im the other girl. always

The sad thing is..ive known it..i just opted to play it cool and not care..because " i dont want anything serious anyway right now, and this is fun" that was my pep talk

But this damn revalation wont stop haunting me. And i cant help but be discusted in myself noticing how i want it to go away so i can go on doin what i do. At work, the gals will tell stories of things their signif others do for them and im floored and saddened that little things that men SHOULD do for people they care about...really throw me for a loop and i think to myself...guys dont really do that..those guys must be tools...haha but really..im the one with the tools.

* Im the most girly girl youll ever meet, yet i manage to have a freakin BOB VILA COLLECTION OF POWER TOOLS. *

Some one smack some sense and self confidence in me WOULD YA.! I never thought i would miss the infamous..."Tiffany Bridgett!!!!! scolding tone my mom use to scream at me from the bottom of the stairs when i mouthed off.

so...

TIFFANY BRIDGETT!

:)

Re-live-Jun confessions

I cant help but notice the amount of religion talks ive gotten into lately. If you know me at all, you would know i dont really like to bring up what i believe..not that Im ashamed or anything..but my tactic is more build a relationship with someone, earn their respect then, at the right time, IF IT COMES introduce them to my view on God...if, of course..they want it

To be honest tho..

Sometimes IM not even sure what my view is. I mean the fundementals have not changed...dont be alarmed. But i have met too many people, experiened too many things after college to keep my view on God as this being who says DONT do that, DO lots of this, and IF you do that, your life is ruined.

All i can say is God is love. God is friends that you have had since 4th grade that NO MATTER WHAT have your back. God is the person in the drive thru that pays for the person behind them and drives away with no recognition. God is loving someone, even ADMIRING someone that lives in a way that goes against what most christians or catholics say is right. God, to me, is is liking someone that is open about their flaws, who is IMPERFECT and proud of it. God is when you cry over the scene you saw on the news that has no importance to your own life. God is your neighbor that brings you dinner all the time when he can barley provide for his own family. God is spending money on Dog food and lil dog sweaters when you cant even buy groceries for yourself...

To me, God is found in my imperfections and thats where we are most loved at.

To you:

sometimes i just want to scream, you are no better than i because you sustain from things your mother told you not to do when u were 16. Its ok to live, to fail, to make mistakes, to hit rock botttom. Infact, thats when I felt most loved and most myself. Meet people. explore their views. Be open to improve yours. Not all people are heathens. Love them.

To you:

believe what you want. i love that you do. if everyone believed the same thing...ick i cant even imagine. makes me feel suffocated. I like listening to your views and like that you ask me about mine. I wont judge u and thanks for not judging me.

To YOU:

I'm still here. Let me introduce myself.....

dear 2010...

Dear 2010,

How you feeling? Filling the footsteps of the prior year... Ppl asking you, PLEADING with you to either outdo 2009, or FAR surpass it. I wont ask either. Instead, im going to let you do your thing. Each year has brought its own flair, its array of ppl, different hair styles, blah blah. Some have been AMAZING experiences...some i could live without...either way..i decide to trust you. Whatever you got, bring it.

Now, I think it would be best if we worked together. Will you slap me in the ass...(much less abrasive than the face) if i start acting out of character..or if i give ppl the benefit of the doubt to quickly and easily. Will you make me laugh on friday nights when im home alone watching free movies on demand? Will you remind me when im not being the best friend that I can be, like maybe a little post it note on the mirror or something.. And for you...i wont complain whatever you want to throw at me..ill go with it..and ill be positive and smiley :) Promise.

FIRST problem of YOUR term... i miss someone really bad, and i dont know who it is...

and GO!

Anyways friend, all i ask, is that you carry over the great things, people, memories and experienes of 2009, without loosing what you are going to bring to the table...and be good to me. Promise?

AND BREAK!

How I long to hate.....

Let me explain...

I've been contemplating this theory for a while...just havn't had the time or emotional availabilty to write it down. So hear me out...I think..

that in order to hate someone, you once have to had loved them.

I can recall one person with many situations that brought out such emotion in me that made me feel the rage of hate. One the same degree, this person was the only one thus far, to bring out the scariest emotion that I have ever dealt with; l.o.v.e. I think it goes without saying that these two words and emotions go hand in hand.

"wired, and im tired, think ill sleep in my clothes on the floor."-JM

All i really feel like saying out loud is that I miss being able to hate and i miss someone hating me. Crazy? Alot of these ppl i have been meeting could care less if Im mad at them, if they hurt my feelings, or if i don't call them for a week or so. at risk of sounding vulnerable,(ill deny later) There's probably 4 other "Tiffany's" in their life. Why am I having trouble being set apart? And if I am set apart, why isn't it enough? In all fairness though, I would be lying if i said i didn't do the same thing. Maybe its a defense mechanism.

I have also become really good at not hating, not caring, and not letting anyone stir any emotion in me; Good or bad. But as for now, all i can do is continue writing hate letters for no one ;)

[[Tiffany, Meet Tiffany]]

I've been thinking...

Which i hate btw..i've noticed..as well as all the roomates i have ever had in my life, that i hate quiet. I need music or tv to fall asleep to, because id rather fall asleep to the thoughts of problems in someone else's life...like maybe Rosanne..(guilty pleasure) rather than my own. Probably not enough of a wierd problem to really worry about, but still there, looming. I shall keep an eye out on it.

N E WAYS..

Its wierd to me that Tiffany from a year ago..is TOTALY different than Tiffany today. Its like i could have an outta body experience with it. Well call the earlier tiffany "Bridgett" and the later tiffany shall remain as Tiffany..you follow? lol

All about Bridgett- perfect(or tried) slightly judgemental. people pleaser...small minded. But she had no idea.

Tiffany on the other hand- well, for fear of reading eyes..lets just say shes not any of those things that embody Bridgett.

Now i cant decide who makes me more happy.. Right now i appreciate the fact that i know a lot of different kinds of people and situations and love everyone for it. Ive learned so much from Chicago and the freaks in it (whom i happen to admire) but have i lost bridgett? and if i have..is that ok?

Unfortunately for me, im an extreme person. (Scorpio) I cant be a perfect hybrid of Tiff and Bridgett.. moral or rebelious..i choose one or the other because even keel makes me feel inadequate.

I appreciate Tiffanys zest for life, love for ALL ppl no matter what, and willingness to try anything and accept EVERYONE.

I miss Bridgetts innocence, her faith in the male species and her endless supply of confidence to stand up for what she believes in.

In college i didn't do nearly any of the things i wanted to do, things that come naturally to me..why? i wanted to please my friends, God, and bridgett.

Today, all i want to do is try things, experience life, and not think twice about guilt and consequences (had enough of that via college) am i valid in that? or acting like a crazy teen?

Today, i do what makes me happy, for the most part, and SOMETIMES feel guilty about it. Problem or rightfully so? I'll deal later